The end.

Friends, I am at the end of my deployment story.  No happy ending here, although not as tragic as some.  Our relationship has ended with a whimper, not a bang.  I suppose I can be grateful for that.

I wanted to write one last post, partially to publish a tidy "wrap-up," which seems much more considerate to a reader than simply abandoning the blog.  But I feel I have something to add to what I've already said about the nature of a deployment, and the feelings that go along with it.

In an earlier post I wrote about the distance I was feeling, how the lack of communication made it feel as if the relationship did not exist in a present sense - like a movie left on pause, eventually the machine gets tired of waiting and shuts itself off to save energy.  I always felt that when Adam came home I would be able to push that power button, and we would remember exactly where we left off (give or take some adjustment).

Before he left home, Adam and I had discussed marriage.  We went so far as to pick out a ring together.  But he was very insistent that we wait until after the deployment even for an engagement - apparently there is rampant post-nuptial regret among newly deployed soldiers and their brides, and divorce is common.

That's a lot of pressure to think about coming home to, the expectation of a proposal, when you've been gone over half a year.  When you can't remember exactly how your girlfriend looks, or what she smells like.  Growth and change, distorted memories, enormous pressure, the feeling of distance and alienation... I think I understand perfectly why this happened.  I was committed to allowing space for Adam to operate as necessary to get through the deployment, and the space he needed could not get big enough as long as I was waiting at home.

So I'm moving out.  Probably away from this city, perhaps back home for a while.  I have never been though a breakup like this before, long distance, when he has already been gone for months. I have gotten used to being alone, used to not getting letters every day, and used to rarely hearing his voice.  Now that it suddenly seems that this will be a permanent separation, things feel oddly the same in many ways.  I am still in the apartment, everything looks the same.  My time is spent in mostly the same activities.  But there are moments when my heart suddenly tightens, and feels as if one chamber suddenly contained too much blood.

I was drinking a bottle of particular brand of tea today, where on the inside of the label the manufacturers like to print words of wisdom.  Mine said: "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned to have the life that is waiting for us." (E.M. Forster).  I suppose, not knowing what is waiting for us, that can go either way, but it feels hopeful to me.

I hope you all have enjoyed reading my blog as much as I have enjoyed writing for you.

Equilibrium

Walking seems like a really hard thing to learn.  The whole movement of it, you have to kick one leg out in front of you and shift your body weight forward, getting your second leg ready and heaving it forward... falling and catching yourself in a smooth motion, propelling yourself from one place to the next.  Next you have to train yourself to anticipate cracks in the sidewalk, rough edges on tables, animals that will stop moving directly under the path of your foot.  One day you will be eating pizza and listening to your headphones, stopping at the crosswalk to barely look before dashing across between the moving cars.

My life is kind of like learning to walk right now.  The deployment should be winding down, but suddenly it feels like it's barely halfway over.  The job is almost entirely amazing, except that working seems to grind down my patience, leaving me fuming.  Were there this many jerks in the world before I had a job?  It didn't feel like it.  These are the big two, my right leg and my left leg.

I sometimes feel sorry for babies, because they have so much work and painful growing to accomplish before they can enjoy much of the happiness offered by this world.  Right now I feel like I have a long way to go myself.

A few of my least favorite things

After finishing my 7 day work week last week on Sunday night at 8 pm, with 92 hours on my paystub, I was feeling pretty darn pleased with myself.  On Monday I woke up (too early) for a dentists appointment, but treated myself to some special groceries including some amazing cheese (epoisse) and wine (Layer Cake).  I then spent the afternoon napping before attending a reception for new attorneys here (I'm already admitted in my home state).  Not feeling content to sit at home with my trophies, I then took myself out for some good old fashioned karaoke.

Fast forwarding through the next day (which sometimes needs to happen after a good night of karaoke), I found out that the company wanted to hire me back for another project... which started today!  So yes, I am re-hired and life is feeling pretty good.

Well, except that my bike got stolen, and Adam just let me know his deployment would probably be a month longer than we thought.  Not to trivialize anything, but my thai take-out place overcharged me by $20 last night too.  So I'm feeing kind of grumpy overall.  I tried to watch a nature documentary to cheer up, but couldn't take the killer whales eating the cute sea lions, or the sea gulls swooping to pick up the tiny, newborn sea turtles.  Apparently life stinks and everyone takes whatever they can get away with, including eating up helpless, adorable baby creatures!

Things happen in threes, they say.  I suppose I had a karmic debt after landing that job last week, which has now seemingly broken the employment barrier I had been facing.  I'm hoping and praying that maybe life and I have reestablished the balance of nature, and soon we'll be on a slightly more even keel.  For now, I'm just not going to watch any more Blue Planet.

Whew!

The new job... whew! I have to say, they told me to expect long hours.  I did not expect 8 am to 10 pm.  Add in the commute, I'm gone 15 and a half hours per day!  These poor dogs, I have the dog walker coming twice per day.  Truthfully, they don't seem to mind.  I'm glad they have each other to hang out with.

It's amazing, in the 40 minutes I've been at home browsing the internet I've hit all my favorite sites and read all the articles I care to read... so how was I spending all that time in the house?  I can tell it wasn't spent cleaning it!  

It feels great to be out, earning a pay check.  Can't wait to see that!  I have an invitation to join my cousin in Florida afterwards... think I might have to take advantage of that offer.  Right now I think I will go take advantage of the horizontal opportunities presented in the domicilliary dimension.

Ch-ch-changes

No, I'm not a stutterer.  {I did enjoy The King's Speech quite a bit.  I also dated a stutterer in college.}  No, I'm referencing an old David Bowie song.  It's a bad habit of mine to randomly break into song when a phrase pops into my head that triggers some musical reaction in my brain.  Today's theme is CHANGES.

First, Benji is gone from the house, as you may have noticed I am no longer ranting about him.  Yes, I wish I could have done more.  But it was not healthy for either of us, and ultimately I didn't think I could do any more than I did.  It's sad, I hate to think of him being put down.  But many, many dogs are put down every year that don't have the behavioral problems that he did.

Well, we did take in my parents dog Shadow while they went on vacation.  Max and Shadow are really good friends, and other than having to treat the eye infection she came down with, it's been just a pleasure to have the company for Max.

My new job starts tomorrow, which is why I should keep this post short and get some sleep.  I'm excited and nervous, so keep your fingers crossed.  I really hope this job works out, it could lead to some other well-paid and flexible employment in the future.

My brother sent me flowers last week, to congratulate me on this new job, and then Adam sent flowers on Saturday... so my house is abloom with tulips and other spring delicacies.  I just hope the dogs don't nibble on them while I'm away.

No great insights this week into deployment or other life events, just hoping April flies by in work so I can have a little money in the bank for when Adam gets back.

Lagging

Yes, I am falling behind in posting regular updates.  Never have been able to keep any kind of journal consistently.  Oh well, the last thing I need is to put pressure on myself to continue doing what should be fun and come naturally.  So accept my apologies if you've been waiting impatiently for my next post.

Spring is here, and with it I have 1000% times more energy and drive to get up and get things done, all of which has led to me being relatively busy and productive.  Last week I was offered a job, finally.  It feels amazing to know that on Wednesday there is a desk for me and I will be there at 9 a.m. in a cute new business-casual outfit, ready to start sorting and labeling data.  Maybe you sense sarcasm... but no!  While I have heard horrible things about this type of job (mostly from people kvetching on the internet), I harbor hopes that somehow maybe I am more constitutionally suited to the work.  Then again, I often discover that I am far more normal than I've been given credit for.  In any case, I'm motivated.  If anything can get me excited it certainly will be having those checks start to pile up in my bank account.  It's been far too long since I had anything piling up except bills and the shame of financial dependency.

In other news, Adam managed to reinstate the car insurance from overseas.  No easy task, coordinating the paperwork when you are unmarried, living together, with no co-ownership of assets.  Power of attorney was given to one of his family members, but fortunately we escaped having to use it.  I have to say, if I had known more about what deployment would be like I think I would have pushed harder to get married beforehand.  I think a lot of things would have just been easier to deal with, and it would have provided us with benefits we don't currently enjoy (like my health insurance, see under "lack thereof").

Well, we are definitely on the uphill side of the second half of deployment.  Adam has never felt farther away.  There's really not much he can do about it either, well, not without sacrificing his health so he can spend more time chit chatting with me.  Obviously I don't want that.  It's only that it feels hard to remember what our relationship was like when we were together.  I remember being happy, having fun, being excited to see him, I know that I love him and that I want to be with him... it's just that feeling of the relationship is not actually here right now.  I suppose that's normal when you don't get to talk to someone anymore, it just frightens me that maybe the feeling won't come back when he does.  I've read that it takes work to re-establish the connection when your soldier returns, that's probably what they are talking about.

Spring!

Today is the official start of spring, although it's been creeping up on us over the last couple weeks.  Daffodils are opening up all over town, there are buds on the trees, a few days ago it was warm enough for me to comfortably wear a tank top to the park with Max.  Every year I seem to come down with seasonal affective disorder, I feel so sluggish and depressed.  When spring comes back around I get the mojo to tackle major projects (like cleaning the house of all its winter accumulation).  Last week I tackled the laundry monster that was swallowing the bedroom.  Threw out the homemade antibiotics from the fridge.  There's still a lot to be done... for some reason the harder I clean, the less routine tidying I do, which means more big messes in a matter of a few days.  Two steps forward....

I've also been going to the gym a lot more regularly, which feels a lot like spring cleaning.  They remodeled the women's locker room and added a dry sauna, which is so inviting.  I had a big stack of unread magazines, so I've been whittling down that pile by reading them at the gym and leaving them there when I'm done.  I've lost about five pounds, which is great, mainly I like how my clothes are fitting better.

I pulled out a quilt I finished piecing last year, but had only gotten about 1/8 of the actual quilting done.  I hung it up in the apartment (I tied two ski poles together to hang it from, and then hung the pole from the loft) and have been working on it a little bit each day.  It's a bug and butterfly themed picnic blanket, mainly in blue and yellow.  Now that the weather is getting so nice it will be nice to have the blanket finished.  We used it a few times last year, at the 4th of July, and when we went to see the live performance of A Prairie Home Companion, but I didn't want to use it very much until it could go in the washing machine.

So, all in all, productivity is up, morale is up, sanitation is improving... all good things.  I did get a little sad when I was tidying up, smelling Adam's shirts.  I picked up one of his berets and I got a little teared up.  I'm just trying to channel everything into health and productivity, and trusting that will help me get through the next couple months.